Let’s face it. Sometimes youth pastors get a bad rap. We get blamed for messes we didn’t make, called out for fights we didn’t start, and accused of throwing a Jacuzzi party in the baptistery.

That last one wasn’t me.

Promise.

But there are some times when we make mistakes.

It could be because youth pastors are historically younger and less experienced. They could be because we like to push the envelope and sometimes ask for forgiveness instead Of permission. It could also be the fact that we’re just plain human and everybody makes mistakes!

When you get caught in a mistake you made, what’s your first response? Blame somebody else? I tend to blame the old ladies bible study. They just look too sweet and kind. Something dark must be lurking behind there.

Seriously though, when you find out that you made a mistake and are getting called out for it, how do you respond?

• Defend yourself?
• Fight?
• Polish up the resume and hope for the best?

Here are a couple things to think about The next time you find yourself in the middle of the trouble you caused.

Own up to it

The buck stops with you, the youth pastor. Whether or not you were directly involved in the mistake happening or it occurred on your watch when you could’ve done something about it, you’re in charge. Don’t try to deflect or defend. Own it. 

Observe, don’t judge

Sometimes our mistakes can bring out the worst in other people. Truly. Maybe you’ve made the sweetest mom in your entire ministry into a raging, email spewing, subtweeting monster.

It’s hard in those circumstances to not take things personally. But instead of blaming others for their actions, Take a moment and observe to see if there’s something you can learn.

“Oh, when I forget to include a packing list in the retreat email, Karen flips out. That’s something I need to remember in the future.”

Make it right

Did you break the portrait of the first pass through your church ever had? Did you put a dodgeball through the stained glass window? Did you spill chocolate all over the carpet in the senior pastor’s office?

Make it right. Figure out who you need to call to fix it or clean it up and find where in the Youth Ministry budget funds can be made available to repair the damage.

Did you make a parent really mad by what you said at youth group?

Offer to meet them for coffee and apologize.

Try your best to seek restoration and take the first step. Don’t wait for somebody else to move toward you. You move towards them.

Ask “Is this an incident or condition?”

Do you get in trouble for the same stuff every month? When the senior pastor asked to have you come into their office, do you know exactly the reason why you’re going in there? 

Take a moment and reflect. 

Ask if this is a bad habit that you need a break. Then try to seek accountability for getting out of it. Have you lost every receipt you got this month? Maybe it’s time to work out a new system of saving those things on your phone.

Incidents can be overlooked and forgiven. Conditions can be a cause for dismissal.

What would you add to this list? When you get in trouble, what steps have you taken to make things right?

I hope it’s not throwing an after-party in the baptistery.

I think I will always remember where I was and what I was doing when the realization hit me that we may not be having youth service “as usual” for a while. I bet you know where you were. Like many, I went into planning mode. I was overwhelmed, thinking, “what can we do, what should we do, and how long will this last?” 

You all have been doing so much during this time for your students, families, and churches. You are heroes. And because of your efforts, many have been equipped and encouraged during a difficult time.

For a couple of weeks, many of us have been running on pure adrenaline. We’ve been in meetings, have curated new online experiences, messages, games, social media posts, zoom and google small group hangs, and all the while trying to care for our own families and ourselves. 

Solid plans and strategies have been laid out, and we are falling into a new quarantined rhythm (I hope). With all that is happening around us, I believe there is another exciting and transformational opportunity on the horizon. The possibility of allowing our lives and our souls to slow down and, at times, be still. 

My hope for all of us, is that we would remember to keep our own souls well by realizing this unique moment is not just an opportunity for innovation, but an invitation to greater intimacy with Jesus.

Four years ago, I burnt out. I was running at full speed for a very long time and very rarely took time to look back or to look at what was right in front of me. I was always pushing towards what could be in ministry, and often I missed what was. That kind of speed and hurry eventually caught up with me. It wasn’t until I was forced to slow down and even stop, that I was able to see God more clearly and see myself more honestly. 

In times like the one we are currently in, I believe we have an incredible opportunity to let our souls speak. To evaluate what we are feeling and how we are doing. To examine our souls (what’s happening in us) with everything that is happening around us. 

We need to allow what we have been pressing down inside of us to come up to the surface. To make room for Jesus to do a deepening and healing work in us. If the most significant thing we can bring to the people in our lives is our relationship with Jesus, then let’s use this time for precisely that.

What lies before us at this time are two great opportunities. 1) Youth Ministry innovation and 2) Heart and soul renovation – time to grow and rekindle the relationship with our First Love. And not in that order, of course.

If we can prioritize these days with a focus on time with Jesus, we will provide for our students what they really need – spiritually healthy youth ministers. 

Here’s what I learned from my burnout. A healthy and growing ministry does not always evidence a healthy and growing soul in the one who leads that ministry (I am not saying this is true of you, just that we should examine ourselves). Let us lead well during this time. Let us lead and blaze new ways to be innovative. Let us create novel ways to connect and engage. And above all, let us pull away as often as we can, as Jesus did, so we can go deeper in our relationship with God and lead others to do the same.  

This occasion is uncertain, awkward, and uncomfortable for all of us. A time where we are being pushed and pressed. But these are usually just the ingredients God brings change from – Relational and innovational. Pain and discomfort are not always ideal, but they are still needed for growth.

James Sabin

James is the Youth & Family Pastor at Kingdom Church in Morgantown, WV. He has over 20 years of Student Ministry experience and is a Youth Ministry “Lifer.” He adores His wife and is a dad to 2 boys. He enjoys playing golf with his two sons and anyone who is willing to ride in a golf cart with him.

Ministry and Marriage: Navigating Together

Navigating the world of student ministry with your spouse post-marriage can be challenging in several unexpected ways. Suddenly all of the “normal” adjustments attached with being a newlywed were seemingly put on hold as my husband and I struggled to find common ground within rationality and grace. For me, it looked like struggling to balance ministry with my chosen career path in a brand-new state; while trying to figure out why I felt selfish every Sunday afternoon we didn’t have anything planned or every time we chose to have a meal alone. For spouses in ministry, it can often feel like you married your spouse and the ministry. I’m not talking about the prayerful planning ahead, but the unplanned other parts that no one adequately prepares you for. It was this isolation for me that became the catalyst for asking a simple question: “Ministry spouses: What do you wish you’d known about ministry beforehand?”

I was pleasantly surprised to find that the response to my question was overwhelming, in the best way possible. Among all the great feedback, there are three main categories of advice that I feel are the most important to share.

Boundaries are so important.

Several individuals mentioned the importance of boundaries, which I would argue is absolutely foundational to establishing yourself in ministry. Misti Hopkins (2020) said:

“Figure out how to draw strong boundaries so you are not speaking for your spouse. Just like our kids try to play us against each other, so will teens and their parents. I have lots of people come to me and ask me to mention things to my husband.”

Adding to this, it is vital to present yourself as a team to church members, but in a way that validates your autonomy and establishes that you and your husband are separate individuals who are working together for the common goal of the Gospel. Emily Conley (2020) added: “That my first ministry is to my husband [and] everything else follows. God has called me alongside my spouse; it’s a team thing! My purpose isn’t just found in the “pastor’s wife” — it’s so much more.”

Don’t take everything personally.

I remember vividly the first Sunday my husband and I visited our new church family. He had just accepted his job there, and it was a tiny church. We were dating at the time, and I was so nervous about what their first impression of me would be. In complete transparency, not only were we quite young, but I have cerebral palsy, so I’ve grown up having to endure more attention from people than I would care to admit. To this day, they are the warmest people and I am blessed to know them.

In saying this I realize that for some the transition is not as seamless. For whatever reason you may be struggling immensely, and it is challenging. Danisha Keating (2020) stated in her response:

“Not everyone has your best interest in mind, be careful who you share your things with, and keep it to themselves.”

While it’s justified and easy to have those feelings during such a vulnerable time, it is imperative that you protect your emotions and your mental health as well. Understand that hurting people hurt people by projecting what they don’t like about the situation onto the person. This understanding helps to look at a situation objectively. Jenny Queen (2020) adds, “Have thick skin… teenagers can be brutal and you can’t be offended easily by them… win their hearts and earn their trust.. be as genuine and open as you can while sharing Truth. Sometimes the most difficult youth are the ones who ‘get it’ in the long run. Be real.” With any new situation, it takes time to adjust and become comfortable; but it’s also equally important to have a support system outside of the church.

Find your support system.

In the same way that having maladaptive self-care practices while serving the church can result in isolation, thinking that you don’t need a support system can be detrimental to your health and your relationships with everyone else. Kim Bowers (2020) encourages:

“Find friends/mentors outside of your church. You are going to need a safe place to process the mess and heartaches of being a pastor’s wife.”

This is paramount when getting plugged into a new ministry, because no one understands better than someone who has experienced a similar situation.

I’ve personally come to three conclusions through this research. First, a great support system is integral to your mental health. Second, healthy boundaries and expectations are a must. Finally, learning to compartmentalize others’ pain is so important to the success of your ministry with your spouse. We cannot be a light and love others well if we do not take care of ourselves and our marriages first. We owe it to our students to do so.

Rebecca Banks is currently pursuing an M.A. in Crisis Counseling from Liberty University and is working towards becoming a licensed mental health clinician.  She lives in North Carolina with her husband and is passionate about the counseling side of student ministry.

They don’t lie, we just don’t believe them. All through Bible college, we are told that things will be completely different than what we are learning about in the classroom. We learn the theories and practice writing lessons but we don’t fully understand just how different it is out in real-life ministry…at least I didn’t. 

My first full-time ministry position gave me the feeling of trying to drain the ocean with a bucket. There was so much that I wasn’t taught in school that I now had to figure out how to handle it. My Bible college taught me so many amazing and important things. I learned how to better exegete scripture, how to use word studies to my advantage, how to craft a curriculum that urged students into a deeper relationship with Christ. What I didn’t realize is how much more there is to ministry outside of all the amazing things I learned. Even some of the things I did learn didn’t fully sink in until I was able to put that theory into practice and develop myself as a leader in practical ministry. 

Take that Sabbath!

In the first six months of my ministry are where I truly learned how important having and defending a sabbath is. I would joke and say “unless you are actively on fire, don’t call me” meaning – unless it is an emergency, it can wait. Now that I’ve been in ministry, that is no longer just a joke. I quickly realized that if I didn’t defend my sabbath and take that time for me and my relationship with Christ, others would quickly fill that time with what they needed or wanted from me. 

Working towards a year in ministry, I now silence emails on Wednesdays (my day off) and ignore calls/texts unless it is a church/student emergency. Teenagers rarely fall into a crisis at a convenient time, so of course, there is an amount of flexibility needed but by and large, elders, staff, parents, and students don’t hear from me until the next day.

Say No!

A huge part of defending your sabbath and keeping your sanity in ministry is the ability and authority to say “No”. That magic word will protect you from one day looking up and wondering how you ended up leading the Underwater Basket-Weaving Ministry when you don’t even know how to swim. This can be a struggle, especially for those of us who love to serve/help or just fear disappointment. It’s hard to say no to ministry. It can be hard to tell those super sweet old ladies who have a curriculum from when Moses was a boy that you don’t think you can use it. 

I’ve found it is hard to say no to donated items. Does the youth group want this old nasty half-broken couch I can’t get rid of? Sure! Thanks for thinking of us! That inability to say no has left me with four broken gross couches I have to get rid of (true story). Saying no to what people ask of you and your time is difficult — and I’m almost sure it always will be — but if we want to be excellent at our craft, we must say no to some things so that our spiritual health and ministry can thrive.

Fail Forward!

We have heard it said “failure is not an option”, but I would like to argue — failure is a requirement. We learn best through failure. I know that’s a scary idea but I truly believe we best learn what works by figuring out what doesn’t work. We try out different events, different programming, different curriculums all trying to figure out what works best in our context of ministry. It takes a lot of failure to start to figure out what works best for you, your students, and your community. 

It can be discouraging to learn through failure. It isn’t easy to keep stepping up to bat and striking out. However, when you finally get the win, when you finally figure out what works and your students get it and there’s an “ah-ha” moment from your students and maybe even one from you because you finally figured out what works with your ministry. So hold on, keep pushing, fail one more time. It’s worth it.

Alyx Greenwood

I’m the youth pastor at Marysville Christian Church in Marysville, OH and a graduate of Kentucky Christian University (Go Knights!). When I’m not hanging out with students I love to hike and hammock, pretty much anything outdoors! I think I may be the only youth pastor to hate pizza and think that middle school students could rule the world if they didn’t have an early bedtime!

“If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.” – 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 (NIV)

Every youth ministry has that student. 

You know the one I’m talking about. 

For whatever reason, there’s always that student that isn’t paying attention. Maybe they’re on their phone. Maybe they’re talking to the person next to them. Maybe they’re making fun of everything you’re saying during your sermon. 

When I was a teenager, I was that kid. 

During my time in my church’s youth group, we had a leader named Mr. Donald. He was an incredible youth leader, but at the age of 15, I didn’t put much thought into his leadership of our group. I made jokes and talked during his teaching in addition to being horribly disrespectful almost every week. I can’t tell you even just one of Mr. Donald’s sermons from my teenage years. However, here’s what I do remember:

At the end of my freshman year of high school, I had mentioned during youth group that I was going to be trying out for my school’s dance team. On the day of the audition, I was with my father on the way to the try-outs. Suddenly, my father’s phone rang. He answered it and handed it to me. 

It was Mr. Donald. 

He was calling to pray with me before my dance audition. 

Despite the disrespect I had shown him week in and week out, he chose to love and reached out to me in a moment I needed it. I look back now and see that I do remember one of Mr. Donald’s sermons; however, it was not one that he preached from a stage behind a podium. It was one that he preached with his actions. 

Fast forward more than a decade later, to now being a youth leader myself. Recently, I was teaching my students and everything was going so well. The lesson flowed. My group was engaged. God was working. Until I looked to the back row to find one of my middle school students fast asleep. I remember thinking at that moment that he was missing out on a good word, and I wished he had been awake to hear it. 

That evening, that student sleeping in the back row of the youth room needed a ride home. I offered to take him home, and during the entire car ride, he shared everything that was going on in his life.

I listened.

I asked questions. 

I simply talked to him about everything he was sharing. 

When we reached his house and he got out of the car, the Lord spoke to me in that moment saying, “He won’t remember your message from tonight, but he will remember how you treated him on the car ride home.” 

It was then that I realized that as youth pastors, we can have the best programming, the most Instagram-worthy stage designs, and quotable sermons. However, there will always be those students that could care less. 

The students that fall asleep.

The students that are rude. 

The students that have a lot going on behind the scenes.  

When we step off the stage, it is those very students that deserve to see us preach a sermon of love with our actions.

We are constantly teaching the message of the God who shows us a love that we don’t deserve. 

It’s time we practice that ourselves. 

My prayer is that we would all examine ourselves and ask what sermon our lives preach the minute we step off the stage. 

Karli Loving is a Youth and Children’s Pastor from Lawton, Oklahoma. She is passionate about seeing the Lord move mightily in the next generation, as well as encouraging diversity in the area of youth ministry. Karli is a fan of Jesus, loving others, and chocolate milkshakes.