This is the third post in my series “Something to Complain About”. The reality is that lots of youth pastors get to hear parents who complain. These are different than the parents who will walk up to you, offer a suggestion on what you’re doing or, God bless them, offer to jump in, and help solve a very real problem.

The first post was about playing too many games and you can read it here.

The second post was about your Bible study being too shallow. It’s here.

This one is about their student saying they don’t feel like the student ministry is offering them enough skills to share their faith with their atheist friends.

Every week I’m posting in the DYM Facebook community group and asking other youth pastors (especially those veterans of ten or more years) how they would answer each complaint.

Here’s what I would say to a parent who comes to me with this one:

I’m so glad your student has atheist friends!

No seriously, this is great! There are lots of students who get told they can’t have any atheist friends and the fact their student has someone they WANT to share the Gospel with and needs to hear it is awesome.

Now, that said, I might make sure and ask if their students have any solid friends who are also believers. They may not want to share because they have no one to back them up, and that can be daunting.

I promise you we’re talking about the Gospel and how to share it with their friends

I’m about 95% certain you are doing this in your ministry. I’m 100% sure we are. We talk about it about every month in some form or fashion and have an entire small group curriculum solely devoted to the topic. But maybe their student isn’t in small groups? Or missed last month’s Gospel sharing series?

Regardless, this parent says their student doesn’t FEEL equipped. It’s not that you’re not doing it. It’s that the student may not just feel like they could handle your method.

Or…

Your kid might genuinely be concerned about losing their friendships

Friends can mean EVERYTHING to a student. And they may have real, genuine fears of losing their friends if they get labeled as “the weird Christian kid”. Now there’s a lot to unpack here. A parent can easily say that faith is more important than friends, and they wouldn’t be wrong. But that isn’t listening to the very real concerns of their student. I’d encourage parents to listen to their student. Help them unpack their fears about being singled out or losing good friends. Ask them if they thought their friends would reject them if they brought up their faith more often.

Let this parent know this is a long conversation and won’t be a “one and done”. But neither should the student’s conversation about Jesus with their friends. It’s more than throwing a Gospel tract in their friend’s faces.

Parent Tip:

Ask them about how many conversations they’ve had about the Gospel with their own atheist friends. And not posting Jesus pictures on their Facebook walls. Actual, knee to knee, toe to toe, eye to eye conversations. If they are having them and modeling them for their kids, odds are their kids will get it, even if it takes a while.

DYM Resource:

I wrote a small group series about how to start talking to your friends about Jesu without being awkward. Feel free to check it out if you’re not sure where to start with your students!

Grab it here!

Ronald

This is the second article in a series of blog posts titled The Emotionally Healthy Youth Worker by veteran youth worker and therapist Jason Wilkinson. You can find the link the first blog post here.

Let’s be honest, youth ministry is not for the faint of heart. It’s the kind of job that requires you to wear the hat of the speaker, teacher, counselor, janitor, recruiter, and accountant all at the same time, and often without much in the way of guidance or mentoring. It’s the kind of job that often requires one to live in a constant state of being “on” and emotionally available to others, all the while leaving you emotionally drained and empty. And if we’re not careful, that emotional emptiness can lead to feelings of anxiety, depression, loneliness — and eventually to burnout.

The idea of caring for our mental and emotional being can easily be overlooked and not dealt with until we have reached a breaking point. However, if we can learn to be at peace with our emotions, we will be empowered to live and lead as Christ calls us to.

Dr. Terry Hargrave, from Fuller Theological Seminary, provides us with a framework to get us to be at peace with our emotions. Those steps again are:

#1: Recognize Your Pain

#2: Find What’s True

#3: Replace the Pain with Peace

Let’s dig more into Step #1: Recognize Your Pain.

We all have something called a “pain cycle”. A painful emotion will provoke an automatic and unintentional coping behavior. Often we don’t even recognize it. We just do it. And that pain can then manifest as anxiety, depression, withdrawal, anger, or something else. However, this response doesn’t usually give us what we really want or need, so we end up feeling more emotional pain. This is our pain cycle.

Research in neuroscience is showing, however, what the author of Romans already knew to be true — that God’s creativity allows for our brains to be rewired, or in other words, transformed (Rom. 12:2).

Here are three ideas to help you recognize your pain:

Tip #1 — Name Your Typical Emotions: Think of a recent conflict you had. What kind of messages did you receive about yourself? Perhaps it was that you’re not good enough. That you’re a failure. That you’re alone or that no one cares about you. Reflect on what those messages and emotions are. Name them. Check out my sample list of emotions to help get you started.

Tip #2 — Learn How You Cope: How did you immediately react to the emotion from the conflict? Did you get anxious, angry, withdraw, isolate? Reflect on what that coping was. Check out my sample list of coping behaviors to help.

Tip #3 — Link the Emotion to the Coping Behavior: Start by simply saying “When I feel _____, I typically cope by being _____.” It could look like, “When I feel unappreciated, I typically cope by getting angry.” Write it down somewhere you will see it and say it out loud once or twice a day. As you continue to link the emotion to the behavior and say it out loud, you’ll begin to realize when you are acting out of your pain cycle.

God has given you the ability to manage the ups and downs. Being able to do so will help in all of your relationships, including the one with yourself. Recognizing your pain is a step that can help you do it. In the next post of this series, we’ll discuss how you can Find What’s Truth.

Jason Wilkinson lives with his wife and two kids in Portland, Oregon. After 18+ years of leading in various student ministry roles, Jason recently transitioned into the profession of mental health therapy where he runs Wellspace Counseling, a private counseling practice in Tualatin. You can read more about Jason at wellspacepdx.com or contact him at [email protected].

My husband Alex and I made a hard decision this year. We decided to leave the Bay Area and head to his home state of Idaho. When we were praying through all of this and felt this was the right decision, COVID-19 was not part of the plan. Like many, I was searching for a new job in the middle of a pandemic. I truly had no idea what to expect, I desperately wanted it to be like the old days where I could show off my firm handshake, and my carefully picked out outfits. However, what it really looked like was awkward zoom calls, regular phone calls, and meetings from 6ft apart and masked up. 

Searching for a job during a pandemic is no joke. So many churches are on hiring freezes, have seen declines in giving, or just not even sure of what they need right now. 

If you are in a season of waiting and seeking, you are not alone. During my time, I truly questioned if I was even supposed to be in ministry anymore. I felt lost, I felt confused, I felt like everything around me was slowly falling apart, but what kept me pushing forward was seeking advice from trusted friends, and staying close to the Lord truly asking for doors to be open. 

Don’t give up. If you are in the middle of this right now, try and see what God is doing. Maybe it’s trying something new out, experiencing a different type of job or role, whether that’s in the church or not. Even in the midst of a pandemic God is still in control and working. He will never stop fighting for you. 

Michelle is a Middle School Director in Boise, Idaho where she and her husband spend way too much money on coffee and rent. She possesses the ability to kill every plant that comes into her home.

She’s one of the hosts of the Middle School Ministry Podcast. Listen here!

Ministry is draining. So often we can walk away from a small group, service, or event feeling tired, rejected, or like a failure. I know of the anxiety that comes with not feeling “good enough.” I have gone into the office depressed, weighed down by the unending uphill climb of reaching kids and completing tasks.

And now, having moved into the field of counseling following 18+ years of student ministry, I have gained a greater appreciation for the importance of valuing my own mental, emotional and spiritual health. The emotionally regulated pastor is one who can constructively deal with his or her own personal pain, understand what is true about oneself, and benefit from having a clear mind to make good decisions.

So…the question is how to we get to a place of emotional regulation? Techniques from Restoration Therapy and the Relate Strong Curriculum can be helpful in guiding us.

Step #1: Recognize Your Pain: We all carry pain, but we don’t all cope with it in the same way. Knowing how you cope with the pain you carry is the first step in helping you self-regulate.

Step #2: Find What is True: If we are feeling depressed, the message behind that depressed feeling might be “I’m a failure.” That’s the pain we are feeling. But what is true about you? While it’s possible a person may experience some sort of failure in a task or event, is it true that the person, as a person, is a failure? Not likely.

And this falls right in line with what we believe as Christians.

Step #3: Replace the Pain with Peace: After discovering your pain cycle and the greater truth of who you are, the final step is to replace the negative message. Our brain has a link of neural pathways that go from our emotional pain straight into an automatic coping behavior. The goal is to start building a new pathway. This can happen through a mindfulness tool called, The Four Steps, which was developed by Dr. Terry Hargrave from Fuller Theological Seminary.

Youth ministry so hard on a person’s emotional, mental and spiritual health, but it remains a worthy calling. And it deserves you at your best. Prayer and meditating on Scripture helps you discover what is true about God and God’s love for you. The steps of Recognizing Your Pain, Finding What is True, and Replacing the Pain with Peace will help you own those truths that can often escape when emotionally activated.

In God’s infinite wisdom and goodness, a person is able to be transformed, no matter the age. The brain is capable of developing new neuropathways. In a very real way, following these steps is working to accept the message of goodness God has for you!

Jason Wilkinson lives with his wife and two kids in Portland, Oregon. After 18+ years of leading in various student ministry roles, Jason recently transitioned into the profession of mental health therapy where he runs Wellspace Counseling, a private counseling practice in Tualatin. You can read more about Jason at wellspacepdx.com or contact him at [email protected].

We recently sent a survey to all of our parents asking about reopening and the COVID-19 season.

While we did get some really great feedback, there were a couple complaints that every youth pastor has heard at least once.

In this blog series, I’m going to break them down one by one explaining why we do what we do, and then give one tip for interacting with “that” parent in the future.

The first complaint was that we play too many games. In the summer, there is some credibility to that. We actually change our program to be more activity-oriented because people are traveling or busy with summer activities. There is still solid biblical teaching time going on weekly, but it would be easy for a parent to look at our social media and think, “all they do is play games!”

But there is still a method to our madness!

1. Fellowship is a biblical thing!

As Christians, we are supposed to spend time with other believers! In student ministry, that means we sometimes spend time with other believers while also throwing hotdogs at targets on the other side of the room or stacking Oreos on our foreheads.
Spending time together is important! Just because we structure it to look a little crazy, doesn’t mean we have no purpose in it.

2. Games break down walls

Students who laugh are more likely to let down their walls. If they keep their guard up the entire time they’re at youth group when it comes time to share the Gospel, that same wall is going to be right where it is always been. Sometimes we play ridiculous games in order to help students feel more at ease and relaxed. We are setting ourselves up for a win when it comes to sharing the Gospel!

3. Students learn differently

Not everyone learns the best from having somebody lecture at them. I don’t learn when somebody lectures at me!
Teachers and educators have said for decades that we need to teach using different methods.
So when we relate a part of our lesson back to playing four corners, it’s going to hit students differently. And that’s the way we planned it!

4. Even adults don’t fill their time-slot with just Bible study

The most serious and Bible-based small group in your church still has a time where they drink coffee or eat snacks and just talk.
We have an hour with the students! We’re going to plan some fun. Just because when the adults do it it looks mature and more subdued, it doesn’t mean we can’t get a little crazy with how we fill our time!

Parent Tip:
Ask them to come and serve! Usually, parents don’t get a chance to see the inner workings of the ministry. Ask them to come to hang out with a week for a week or two so they can get an insider scoop. Usually, that lets them see why you play games or what makes your ministry run like it does.

If they don’t take you up on your offer, then you know there’s probably something else going on that’s causing the complaint. There’s probably something else going on behind the scenes. Ask them to come to serve!

Games help students learn, fellowship, and prepare them to receive the truth we teach.
Do you play games with your students? Why do YOU play games? Let us know in the comments!

Ronald

by Mignonette Bailey

Have you ever heard of a “Good Samaritan?” You know, someone who does a good deed for someone else. This term originated in the Bible, but at a closer look, this Bible account goes beyond good deeds and encompasses complicated issues of racial tension and reconciliation.

In Luke 10:25, a religious scholar asks Jesus what he must do to inherit eternal life. Jesus answered his question with a question; “How does the scripture read to you?” In the man’s own words, he answers, “It states, ‘You must love the Lord God with all your heart, all your passion, all your energy, and your every thought. And you must love your neighbor as well as you love yourself.’ “ (Luke 10:27 TPT) Jesus signs off on the religious scholar’s answer and tells him to go and do exactly what he said.

The scholar asked, “Who is my neighbor?” I believe this man was looking for a neat checklist that would help to ease his religious conscience by doing “just enough” for whomever he deemed his neighbor. He wanted Jesus to give him a limit to who he was commanded to love as much as he loved himself. Jesus shared an account of radical compassion that included the complexities of racial tension.

Why wouldn’t Jesus just provide a simple answer to his question? Let’s dive into the story and find out.

In Luke 10:30-37, a Jewish man was traveling when he was robbed and left for dead. Two Jewish religious leaders, a priest and a temple assistant (called a Levite), saw the man’s condition and literally crossed the street. We don’t know why, and maybe their reasons were legitimate to them. Nonetheless, they crossed the street.

The man who eventually helped him was a Samaritan, who many Jews referred to as dogs. There was major racial tension between these two ethnic groups that spanned generations. Generations of stereotypes and sweeping generalizations were perpetuated. It wouldn’t be far-fetched to conclude that the man who was robbed and helpless may have even held racial discontent for the Samaritan people. Yet, his own people crossed the street and didn’t bother to help him. The Samaritan man went to absolute extremes of compassion to help this injured man. He transported him to safety, bandaged his wounds, extended his name as credit on the injured man’s behalf and spent his own money to ensure the man’s needs were met while he healed. It’s not likely that this Samaritan man was out for a casual, daily stroll when he noticed the Jewish man lying helpless in the street. He was headed somewhere. Undoubtedly, he had plans. Nonetheless, he allowed his life to be interrupted by doing what was inconvenient.

After Jesus finished the story, he returns a question to the scholar, “Who was a neighbor to the man who was attacked?” The scholar replied, “The one who showed him mercy.” Jesus is clearly not restricting our show of mercy to those who live in our direct proximity, or even those with whom we have more in common. He is challenging us to show radical mercy by allowing ourselves to be made uncomfortable and inconvenienced by the pain of others.

As we all process the current events happening in the United States surrounding the death of George Floyd, Jesus is asking us not to cross the street. Jesus is asking us not to step over or ignore this issue. Jesus is asking us to keep our humanity. Jesus is asking us not to miss opportunities to be radical compassion in action by hiding behind preconceived ideas and sweeping generalizations. Just like the religious scholar, we must realize that focusing on eternal life doesn’t mean that we ignore our godly responsibility to tend those who are hurting.

In Luke 10:28, the Bible says the man made “an attempt to justify himself.” It is our nature to want to defend ourselves and to assume that we are right! Even when we engage with others, many times we don’t fully listen to understand, but to build a case in response. We are guilty of already choosing a side before we ever hear another perspective. When we seek to justify ourselves, we latch onto things that justify our bias, while missing the big picture.

I believe the Bible answers every issue of life and that the Lord does not step over or skim over deep, human issues. Jesus didn’t and doesn’t gloss over racial tension; neither should we. As Christians, we must follow the Leader. We cannot allow fear or discomfort to keep us from going “there”, because “there”, the place of our human weakness, is where the grace and strength of God awaits us.

Who is your neighbor?

Mignonette “Mimi” Bailey is the proud cheerleader of her husband, Karim and three children. She enjoys serving in local and global outreach, and has served in youth ministry for over a decade, both as a volunteer and a full-time youth pastor. As an ordained minister, Mignonette enjoys equipping the body of Christ for effective ministry. She is a Regent University graduate and when she isn’t changing diapers or drinking coffee, enjoys gardening and being an actor and entrepreneur. She calls Los Angeles, California home.

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If you’re not a part of the DYM Facebook Community, you really should be.

Just using the search function in groups to find out what THOUSANDS of youth pastors around the country have done or are attempting to do to reach students is almost like a seminary degree.

Almost.

You could search “zoom games”, “senior pastor problems”, or “nerf guns” and probably get some ideas on what you’re going through right now.

Or you could just ask what rules exist in your church because of something that happened with student ministry! If you’ve been a part of youth ministry long enough, you’ve been there yourself. A rule or guideline shows up and you think “Yeah. We did that.”

This thread has been blowing up for the last day and it’s a RIOT to read through. Here are some of my personal favorites:

• The baptismal is to be used for water only (no more jello).
• No hallway slip and slides. Preceded by the very short-lived, “you must wear a helmet on the hallway slip and slide”.
• Do not discharge a firearm during a sermon illustration.
• A blanket ban on fires.
• Call the Executive Pastor after you call 911 and before they see you on the news.
• No live farm animals in the building.
• No more wrestling matches in a baby pool filled with cereal and milk.
• No more beach volleyball in the worship center.
• No hide and seek in the organ pipes.
• No more using the senior pastor’s house (after setting it ON FIRE).

And then this list all from ONE PERSON who is now my youth ministry hero:

• No using ladders in heels.
• No climbing on chairs, desks, tables etc. (I was in heels and couldn’t use the ladder)
• No hauling church equipment in rentals cars. (Fun fact, a stack of tables can shatter a rear truck window if the wind hits them just right)
• No candles in your office.
• No testing bounce houses, slip n slides, or other attractions in office attire. (Fun fact#2, gray slacks become totally transparent on a slip n slide)
• No prank wars. This was the result of putting a rubber band on the breakroom sprayer and the Sr pastor getting soaked when he turned the water on. The best part is I didn’t do it. His secretary did – but she was trying to get me back for hiding under her desk and grabbing her ankles when she sat down 😂
• Oh. No hiding under desks.

Hey, while we may often get a bad reputation for not thinking all of our ideas all the way through to the very end, there’s no denying that youth ministry is the most innovative part of any church!

What rules exist at your church because of something you, a student, or that “former-student-pastor-who-totally-isn’t-me” did?

Ronald