I am not sure how to admit this. It has been nagging at the back of my head (and heart) for a really long time. It’s a conversation I had with my intern just yesterday. I read certain books challenging me in my walk with Christ and I push it down for a little while and pretend it isn’t there. However, if it goes unchecked I deal with the temptation once again.

If I am totally honest I would love to be famous. Alright, maybe not REALLY famous like paparazzi in my face all the time, but at least noticed. Perhaps, not totally noticed, but it would be great to feel important… or heard… or something.

It doesn’t help that we live in a culture that is pushing me to grab my fifteen minutes of fame. It can be as simple as uploading the correct “youtube” video or picture that goes “viral.” If I am witty enough, people might like what I have to say. On a couple of occasions I have been blessed to talk to different “book” agents and fill out proposals for writing. I have also been told to grow my “following” on blogs, twitter, and Facebook if I want to be “noticed.” Leadership books fuel my fire with great insights into growing my “platform” or “being heard.” “Get out there and take your fame!” is what rings in my ears.

In my heart I would love to be invited to be on main stage somewhere to speak. It flies in the face of the Gospel that tells me to “decrease” so He can “increase,” or that I should “die to myself,” so Christ can be evident in me. I can over spiritualize it and say that I want to do it to bring glory to the Lord. However, the problem with this particular scenario is that God’s glory is not contingent on whether or not I announce it.

Yet, here is the irony in my desire for a “voice.” What I look at the people I admire, it isn’t their “fame” that impresses me. Some of them are not even considered “famous” in the eyes of most, they are people in love with Jesus who have been faithful and obedient to Christ. It is humility, perseverance and a desire to be so in love with the Lord they want to be solely HIS that brings me admiration.

A friend said this to me recently: “My thinking has been that there are too many people with platforms who have nothing to actually say. We should pray for something to say, and if God wants to have a platform, great. But just CREATE, and write, and make things, because you’re wired to do it. If a platform happens, awesome.”

The conundrum of course is if this post never gets read I have to ask myself if I am ok with that. Am I telling you about my fame “stuff” so you will follow me on a social network? Have I put a sentence in bold or thought in terms of character spaces so you can tweet my words? If I do someday have a chance to speak to a large audience will you accuse me of needing to be in the spotlight?

I do love to write and speak because I want to resource others. I want to help. Yet, I have to keep this other thing in constant check. It has to be sacrificed on the alter, chopped to bits and consumed by fire from heaven… daily. In what I am doing I have to ask, “If there is one person in the room will I be alright with that? Do I really believe that is important to God?”

More importantly I need to ask who is my true audience? Can I walk into each room as if it is “just” Jesus sitting there?

Can I believe it’s my life with Jesus that is most impactful? The other day I had a conversation with someone telling me how my family had influenced them. It wasn’t from a main stage. It wasn’t in a blog post. It wasn’t in a published piece. It was just being a normal husband, wife and kids on adventure with the Lord.

So I can’t say I will stop creating. I am wired to do those things. I will also not use the hashtag “humble” anytime soon to prove how I have conquered my “fame” issue. I think I will just keep getting closer to the Lord and see how that goes.

What about you?