While I’m out speaking in Korea, I’ve asked some friends to write some guest posts. I’m very excited to have Craig start us off.
I get asked this question often, “How do I have a conversation with someone that has asked me to keep them accountable for pornography and I know they have gone to questionable sites?” Doug wrote about a high school student who signed him up as his accountability partner for X3watch. Once Doug realized the student he was keeping accountable visited some sites he should have not been on, Doug had a decision to make. He had to speak up and have the talk.
Why is that so difficult? What do I say? Can I just ignore it and hope that they don’t keep visiting these sites? Is it really that big of a deal? Maybe it was a mistake and I will wait.
I get asked these questions all the time. What Doug did was right on! Let the person know you care but at the same time let the person know that you are aware of what is going on.
It is so hard to keep someone accountable on any of these issues if you have never been kept accountable on anything or if you are not currently held accountable. You have no authority and idea how to do it if you are not willing to submit to some accountability in your own life. I think it is so wrong to ask your students to do something that you are unwilling to do yourself.
What I wanted to encourage you with is what will come in your relationships if you have that sort of honesty. If you can talk about porn with someone, you can talk about anything. I get emails from people all the time that use our software that ask if the “X” can be removed from the icon on the software. They are embarrassed and don’t want anyone to know that they use our software. Here is an email I just got today:
“The point is not that there is an icon, but that it implies “XXX” to anyone looking at the screen. What’s even worse is the completely revealing message when you drop down the notification bar, laying your flaws bare for anyone within eye-shot to see. I now have to hide my phone from my friends, family, and anyone else I haven’t made privy to my flaws. How conspicuous I have now become, in a world where smart phones cultivate social interaction.
You guys took this helpful, sensitive accountability tool, and twisted it into an incredibly insensitive app with no sense that some things are private, NOT public. You turned my phone into yet another prison.
I want the app, not with this asinine “XXX” theme (seriously? could you be less sensitive? seriously?).”
My reply to this comment was, “I am not afraid of the “X”. I am proud to tell people I am accountable and honest with people about issues that can sneak into my life, my phone or my computer. Don’t be scared, be excited. I am excited to tell people that I use X3watch software because I believe that will change my relationships. When you show people you are willing to talk about tough issues in your life, those relationships will inevitably grow.”
I don’t understand why we are so scared and think this is a bad thing. Accountability is not just a good thing, it’s a crucial thing. I have some friends who play in the NFL. These are not weak guys. These guys can make plays on Sundays on the field that blow our minds. What I like about them is what they do off the field. They are some of the most trained and disciplined people in the world. That comes with time and practice and just God-given skills and talents.
The thing is, to remain pure, these guys have to work just as hard. Purity doesn’t just happen naturally, it requires work. Don’t be afraid to have those conversations and invite people into your life who will love you enough to hold you accountable. It will take your relationships to a whole new level.
Question: Why is it difficult to be a leader in a ministry and seek accountability? Would love it if you’d share your comments HERE.
CRAIG GROSS is a pastor and the founder of XXXchurch.com and author of Eyes of Integrity, Pure Eyes, Jesus Loves You This I Know, Starving Jesus , The Dirty Little Secret, The Gutter and Questions You Can’t Ask Your Mama. Craig speaks at a number of church services, colleges, festivals and youth events each year.