I had a really good conversation with my counselor the other day (let’s normalize mental health OK?).

She had asked me a question that I just did not get. I kept on trying to come up with answers but I wasn’t arriving at the conclusion she was looking for. After several minutes of frustration on my own doing she finally said, “Hey Ronald, if you don’t no the answer, maybe you could try asking me for help.”

I was floored.

I like having the answers. I like being the one to solve the problems and fix the thing and come up with creative solutions.

I do not like being the one who is caught flat-footed or doesn’t have a good explanation for something.

Really, I have a hard time asking for help. But in my years of Youth Ministry, I have seen the benefits of asking for help. I want to list them here as a reminder for myself and a challenge for you if you’re a little bit like me.

Asking for help empowers others

When you ask for help it allows other people to use their gifts. They give them a chance to serve a ministry. If you don’t ever ask, you won’t ever have people serving alongside you. 

Asking for help prevent burnout

Burn out is a very real thing. If you do everything yourself, you’re going to end up spent and in a world where everything revolves around you. If you ask for help even out the load of ministry and prevent burnout.

Asking for help gets a better result

I am not the best at everything. Also, you are not the best at everything. Sorry if that offense, but it’s true. There are people in your church who do things better than you. Ask them for their help to do the things they can do better than you can! It means you’ll have a better Wednesday night, Sunday morning, event, retreat, whatever. 

Asking for help fosters community

When people are helping, it makes them feel like they’re a part of something bigger than themselves. That enhances their involvement in the community they are in. Do you want your team to feel more like a team? Ask them for their help on a big project! Watch community happen. 

Asking for help attacks pride

This one might be more for me than you, but when I ask for help, I have to humble myself. I’m admitting I can’t do it all and I need other people. That makes me feel less prideful. Because of that, I should really ask for help more often.

Did I miss something on this list that you think should be included? Let me know! Because I’m trying more to ask for help.

Ronald

Searching for Youth Group Games? Discover thousands of turn-key resources at Download Youth Ministry.

This was written on July 4, 2020. It wasn’t the first time we had noticed anti-Asian sentiments from those in the church, including our own, but it somehow still blindsided us.

When you grow up as a minority in a prominently white area, you get used to rationalizing away offense, like it’s not as big of a deal as you’re making it. It’s a defense mechanism. It protects you from the greater pain of confronting it head on and then being dismissed by people who are supposed to care. So, we had spent several months downplaying it. Surely it wasn’t our church. No way was it people we knew. They must be better, because they know us, and they’d never consciously harm us.

We failed to think about becoming collateral damage in their efforts to let freedom ring and stick it to the man. So did they. Now we know, and to the best of our ability, we’ve tried to let them know with as much grace as we can borrow from God. We needed God’s grace, because there were days when we were running low. When we survey the attitudes of the American Church regarding anti-Asian hate, which shows up both in offensive words and suffocating silence, we realize there are important things we wish everyone knew. So, when we were asked to write about this, and make a list, we were grateful for the opportunity to do so.

Here is an incomprehensive list of things we think you should know as you minister to Asian American students and the Asian American community at large.

1. We’re not all the same. There are so many different races within the East Asian races. We’re not all the same. Specific to Sarah’s situation, the anti-Asian hatred she has endured mostly stems, unfairly, from one of two Asian races. She is either Chinese or Japanese as far as most are concerned, though she is neither. In either case, those who hate her for her race don’t see her as American when, in reality, she is just as much of an American as they are. Even when someone’s trying to be nice, it often shows that she’s a foreigner to them. It is highly unlikely that you would approach a white stranger and greet them in Dutch, German, Irish, etc. You see them as American, not as whatever European ethnicity they are descended from. Don’t do it to Asian Americans either. It only highlights that you view us as something other than American.
2. We don’t all think the same. It’s so cool that you have that one Asian friend who totally doesn’t mind the things you say and do. We don’t all think the same way, though. If you search long enough, you’ll find an Asian American who will tell you he doesn’t mind anti-Asian racist drawings or phrases. You’d have a hard time finding Biblical support for then willfully hurting other people who do.
3. We might dislike it more than we’re willing to say. Your friends and students might not tell you that you’re offending them for a number of reasons, from fear of confrontation to wanting to fit in and belong to feeling you are not a safe person to tell based on your behavior. If you breathlessly defend Dr. Seuss’ anti-Asian, racist drawings and your/others’ right to say, “China virus” and “Kung flu,” there’s a good chance your Asian American students won’t say anything to you. It’s not like they’d be the first person to mention it, and you’re not listening to anyone else, so they may feel there’s no reason to stand up to you, because you’re not going to change.
4. We exist. I, Sarah, have largely felt invisible in the church in the wake of the anti-Asian violence. More than a year has passed since anti-Asian violence and racism has made its way back into the media’s consciousness, and I have barely heard a thing from anyone at my church. Maybe it’s because the people of the church have only seen me as Sarah, child of God, thinking that also seeing me as an Asian American is labeling me or needlessly classifying me. Like, “Oh, it doesn’t matter.” But it does. When I am confronted with hatred because of the way I look, it makes me feel like I am both unaccepted for being Asian as well as not being seen for who I truly am. I am proud of who I am. I am Korean. I am Asian. I am American.
5. We are not a punchline. Our eyes, our food, our accents — nothing about us is a joke. We are proud of our heritage, or at least we want to be free to be. When I, Sarah, was in sixth grade, I really started to notice that I was Asian, and I was different. My siblings and I were the only Asian students in our entire school and church. We didn’t see people who looked like us. The only time I really heard about Asians was in the form of a joke, and I knew I was the joke. It made me embarrassed to be me. I wished I wasn’t Asian for a long time, because I was tired of feeling unaccepted. When you casually joke about Asians and Asian culture, you very well may make your Asian American students feel the same way. I can tell you from experience, it’s one of the worst ways you can feel.
6. We’re scared. Anti-Asian hate incidents have increased dramatically over the last year. It doesn’t feel like it’s being taken seriously. It’s been sloughed off for over a hundred years, from federal acts of anti-Asian hatred to personal attacks, and the last year has been much the same. We are worried about the safety of our children, because violence is lurking out there, and no one seems to pay much attention. It feels like the media is quiet, celebrities are quiet, and most painful of all, the church is quiet.
7. We need you. When anti-Asian race issues are not addressed in church, it sends a message to us that it is not important, that we are not important. This is especially harmful to teenagers and young people, as Asian history is already not much discussed in schools. Church should be a safe place for them to be seen for who they are. When race issues are dismissed, this could make a young person who is already uncomfortable in their skin just crawl back into their shell. Maybe some people think addressing issues like anti-Asian hate in youth ministry or the church will make Asians uncomfortable. They’re afraid it will remind us of racism in the world. But we need no reminder. And in truth, it doesn’t make us uncomfortable. It makes us feel seen. Don’t mistake your discomfort with ours.

When we survey the attitudes of the American Church regarding anti-Asian hate, which shows up both in offensive words and suffocating silence, we realize there are important things we wish everyone knew.

There is so much more to say. As we said, this isn’t a comprehensive list by any means. It’s not even a comprehensive list of what we’re thinking and processing, much less representative of every thought every Asian American has been processing about these things. But it’s a start.

A start is what your Asian American students need from you. They need to see you do something, to hear you say something. There is a high degree of likelihood that this last year has been very hard on them, and the last week may have been particularly hard. Reach out to them. Let them know you love them, support them, and are here for them. And then follow through by showing that you are there for them. It may take some adjustment in attitude, actions, and words, but you can do it. We all get so many things wrong so often, but today’s a great day to make some changes and start getting these things right.

Sometimes we worry about people thinking we’re too extreme when we make a big deal out of something. Youth pastors make a big deal out of things all the time. Many youth ministries have zero-tolerance policies for many things: physical affection, cell phones at camps and retreats, swearing, vapes, etc. You can take a hardline stance on anti-Asian speech, too. Add it to the list. May it have no place in your heart, in your church, and in your student ministry.

Sarah Van Solkema and Jeff Selph have been married since they were teenagers. They will celebrate their 20^th wedding anniversary in August of this year. In those nearly 20 years, they’ve had two kids who are just as quirky and funny as they are. As a family, they love hanging out, watching movies, going to Disney, and adopting too many pets. Sarah and Jeff have worked side-by-side in youth ministry for more than twenty years, whether as volunteers or as a pastor and spouse. Currently, Jeff is the Youth and Associate Pastor at Kalamazoo Community Church in Kalamazoo, MI, and Sarah is a full-time student and full-time mom who is trying to balance her own school work with their kids’ virtual schooling.

Like many Americans, I kick off every new year with the goal of implementing healthier habits. For the past three years, I’ve been doing The Whole30 every January as a way to reset my eating habits and cravings. If you are unfamiliar with The Whole30, it’s basically 30 days of clean eating – no sugar, grains, legumes, or dairy. There are a few other stipulations, but the goal is to help your body crave the right foods – the ones filled with all the nutrients your body needs to function at its best. Because let’s be real, it can be a struggle to eat the right things all the time, especially when ice cream is SO GOOD!

If you’re needing a new year restart as well, consider signing up for the Youth Pastor Diet!

For me, Whole30 provides two benefits: reinstate discipline in my life when it comes to food and trim off a few pounds that have made themselves at home over the last few months. Little did I know, the first time I ever did Whole30 a few years ago, the Lord had a third benefit in mind. He wanted to teach me a valuable lesson. In the same way that Jesus taught His disciples through parables, He loves to teach us through life experiences.

As with any new endeavor, one should be prepared before walking into it. I had done some research, prepared a few recipes, and thought to myself, “This can’t be that bad.” Well, I’m here to tell you, those first couple of weeks were much harder than I ever imagined. Why? Because I was denying my body the things that were once so easily and freely accessed.  Sugar, bread, pasta, cheese, ice cream, and the list goes on. But the day I started Whole30, those things were removed from my house (if they were in my house, I would’ve been doomed). By Day 3 and 4, I was experiencing headaches from lack of sugar. I was starving within 30 minutes of every meal because my body was not accustomed to “feeling full” from the types of foods I was eating.  It was a fierce mental battle against my appetite. I was eating all the “right things” but my body was in shock and not thrilled about my new eating habits.

As I was craving all the wrong things, a revelation came to me: This is exactly how sin works in our lives. We make every effort to remove it, separate ourselves from it, yet it comes back with a vengeance, screaming, begging to reinstate its place in our lives. If we are not careful, if we are not filling our minds and hearts with God’s Word, then we are flinging open the gates for sin to come marching right back in. Just like my experience with the Whole 30, if we don’t begin the journey with the end in mind, then we will give into the temptation every time.

COVID-19 has wrecked many of our lives. There has been so much loss over during this season. It’s easy to revert to what’s comfortable, easy – the path of least resistance (and who could blame us), but God has called us to so much more. And with that calling comes so much promise, fulfillment and abundant joy. But that calling comes with a fight. In the same way that I had to fight to eat the right foods and deny myself of what came easy, we have to battle against the temptation of laziness, complacency, and apathy. 

2 Peter 1:5-8 says,

“5 For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with goodness, goodness with knowledge, 6 knowledge with self-control, self-control with endurance, endurance with godliness, 7 godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. 8 For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being useless or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ” (CSB). 

In this passage, Peter is asking believers to “supplement” their faith with goodness, knowledge, self-control, endurance, godliness, brotherly affection, and love. Why? Because he knows how easily we can fall back into the habits of our sinful nature and forfeit growth and maturity in our relationship with Jesus. He uses words like self-control and endurance because he knows how hard it is to fight against the natural tendencies of our flesh. 

Dictionary.com defines supplement as “something added to complete a thing.” In the same way that many of us take vitamins to supplement our diet, as Christians we need to carry out spiritual disciplines in order to complete our faith. This is not an effort to earn our salvation or God’s love (remember that’s freely given to us), but it is the means to maturity and growing closer to Jesus. If we do not supplement our faith with the disciplines that Peter mentions, we are in danger of becoming useless and unfruitful as a believer. In essence, if we are not actively moving forward in our knowledge and understanding of Jesus, then we are drifting away, forgetting what Jesus has done for us, and abandoning our role as His life-giving image bearers.  

The enemy is no fool. He knows our cravings and tendencies and dangles them in front of us all day long. The last thing he wants is for us to be active agents in bringing hope to the broken world. He knows that if we supplement our faith with prayer and God’s Word, we will be unstoppable – not by our own strength, but by the strength of the Holy Spirit living in and through us. We must remind ourselves daily of what God has done for us and let the gospel ignite our hearts with a passion to know Him more. 

It’s no coincidence that God designed our bodies to need the right foods in order to function at their best. Likewise, God created our souls to desire the right truths and disciplines in order to function at their best. Unfortunately, we get distracted along the way and attempt to satisfy our hearts with all the wrong things. In the same way that Whole30 helped me get back on track, sometimes our spiritual lives need to be reset. Whole30 was not easy, but the end result was well worth the fight. The same can be said for growing close to Jesus; it’s definitely not effortless. The enemy will try everything to make us stumble or give up, but once we experience the goodness of God, nothing can stand in our way of pursuing Him. As Psalm 34:8 says,

“Taste and see that the Lord is good. How happy is the person who takes refuge in him!” (CSB)

Hey! My name is Kayla and I’m the Student Director at a church in Orlando, Florida. Student ministry has taken on many forms in my life – the public school system, churches, leadership organizations, and camps. Most of my experience was developed while working with FUGE Camps. I spent eight summers serving on camp staff, two of which were spent as the Director. I enjoy using the gifts God has given me to create environments where students can grow closer to Jesus!

I often say, “I came to Download Youth Ministry for the resources. I stayed for the community.”

When I jumped into  DYM as a member and author, I was immediately aware of the dynamic duo of Timothy Miller and Andrew Larsen and their amazing teaching resources. At DYM100 in 2016 we decided to meet up for a lunch right before the conference started (along with another power-author, Ken Leslie). Honestly, I think we were all a little reluctant since we could kind of consider each other “the competition.”

Instead of an awkward lunch, we discovered a deep connection that included large families and a love for Disney World. What has unfolded is a friendship that has spread to our spouses and kids, allowing some epic “party of 19” Disney World rendezvous, much like the one we had this past week while I was on a much needed family vacation.

I share all that to say, DYM can be so much more than a resource site. It is also much more than a Facebook group to get youth group movie night recommendations and spout off hot takes.

Consider taking the next step to deeper connection and community.

Who is that youth worker you have met on the Facebook group or used their resources? It’s time to connect with them. Set up the FaceTime/Zoom or take the drive to meet halfway for lunch.

… and Ken, I’m still looking forward to that magical moment when all four of our families gather at Magic Kingdom take over an entire Big Thunder Mountain Railroad car.

Ronald

Haven’t read Part 1? Click here for Leaders: Burnout Does Not Have To Be The End Of Your Story

In case you need a refresher, let’s recap. Because of the wind, the current, and the weight of three kids plus me, I was exhausted and realized my method needed to change if we were going to make it across the lake. That’s what led me to the next leadership insight.

• When you lead, let your followers join you in the work. Ultimately, you will go farther together than you ever could on your own.

With the end goal in mind (remember, pizza and birthday cake), it was time to let the kids start paddling with me. Now, I know I mentioned before that I did not want their help, given their track record. However, that was before the exhaustion set in. At this point, I needed their help and they were happy give it. So, I gave the command and everyone started paddling. Immediately, we were moving a little quicker, and the pain in my ankle dissipated because I was no longer tugging them behind me. Instead, our boards were staying closer together and the tension in the leash was released because they were joining the work of paddling across the lake. They were actively following me, rather than dragging behind me (which is another lesson in and of itself in being a good follower). We were on our way and the other side of the lake was in our sights.

Was it all smooth sailing after that? Nope. We still struggled. Why? Because everyone can be paddling, but if there is no rhythm or syncopation, then you are still getting nowhere fast. At random times, I would feel a yank on my ankle, only to look behind me and see that the kids on the board behind me were zig-zagging. Creative? Sure. Effective? No. We needed to have a mini-coaching session in order to be successful. I instructed one of them to paddle on the left side and the other to paddle on the right side for the remainder of the journey (so they would go straight). And then we developed a simple chant to stay in rhythm and paddle at the same time. “1-2-3-Paddle!” could be heard by anyone within a half-mile radius of the lake. The enthusiasm made the journey so much more fun. In the midst of that coaching session, I had to remember this:

•  Patience is key. Keep a positive attitude, encourage your followers, and remind them of the goal set before them.

Once we developed a rhythm, we were set. The fatigue was still present, but none of us were doing the work alone. It would have been easy to get frustrated when I was tired or the kids on the board behind me were zig-zagging in every direction, but that would have accomplished nothing. I had to maintain a positive attitude and encourage the kids to do the same. When they did not paddle correctly or efficiently, I had to gently correct them to keep us all on track. If one of us wavered, then it affected the progress of the whole group. So, I was constantly checking in to make sure everyone was doing alright.

Side note about checking in: It was nothing more than looking back and asking the question, “Y’all doing alright?” I would see with my eyes that they were still paddling correctly and hear the tone of their voice when they responded. If their tone was positive and enthusiastic, then no further action was needed. If I noticed any struggles, I would give verbal commands to improve their performance and demonstrate the proper paddling technique from my own paddleboard. I would not stop what I was doing and then go paddle for them. If I did that, then we would be back to square one where I was exhausted, and the current was defeating us. If the kids were going to contribute to the work effort and learn something along the way, I had to let them figure it out themselves. In the end, we all were better for it because we kept moving across the lake and they were becoming more confident paddle boarders. Pay careful attention to that.

As the leader, you have to keep doing the important tasks in front of you so those behind you can continue to do their tasks to keep the team moving forward. If you as the leader stop and try to do everyone else’s jobs for them while you are “checking in”, then your team’s momentum is halted.

Not only did I check-in, but I had to remind them of what we were working so hard to achieve…say it with me, “Pizza and birthday cake!” As their leader, I had to set the tone. There was no room for panic, frustration, or complaining. As we got closer to the dock, the kids were laughing more and coming up with the best way to tell their friends about the adventures of the day. That right there is evidence of the next point.

•  When you let your followers join you in the work, not only are they happier, but they are becoming stronger and more effective along the way.

When the kids were able to join the work effort, a new confidence was instilled in them. They were now participants in the progress, not just spectators. They felt ownership over the task of getting back to the dock. They actually contributed to achieving the goal and learned something along the way. Coaching led to participation which led to a sense of confidence which ultimately led to fulfillment and happiness. And guess what? The next time they go paddleboarding, they will have a little bit more knowledge and experience than they had this past time. They will only get better the more they get out on the water. Becoming an expert takes time.

Let me remind you that I did not ask the kids to help because I wanted to cheer them up. No, I NEEDED their help to reach the goal. Their happiness and fulfillment was a result of cooperation and teamwork. They saw the fruit of their labor.

The same is true for you and the team you are leading. You NEED them to carry out the vision. They are looking for you to invite them to join the work and coach them along the way. Will there be some zig-zagging or mistakes at certain points? Sure, but that’s how you develop leaders. That’s how you make an investment in the next generation. Do you care more about your vision and recognition? Or are you more concerned with developing leaders on the way to achieving your vision? Choose to invest in others. Everyone has a dream.

Be a stepping stone to others, rather than a stumbling block. You might be hesitant to invest in those behind you because it might send you on some detours along the way to your destination; but, what if those detours are actually course corrections to put you on track towards the God-given call placed on your life? 

Hey! My name is Kayla and I’m the Student Director at a church in Orlando, Florida. Student ministry has taken on many forms in my life – the public school system, churches, leadership organizations, and camps. Most of my experience was developed while working with FUGE Camps. I spent eight summers serving on camp staff, two of which were spent as the Director. I enjoy using the gifts God has given me to create environments where students can grow closer to Jesus!

This is the fourth and last post in a series of blog posts titled The Emotionally Healthy Youth Worker by veteran youth worker and therapist Jason Wilkinson. Click the link to find the first, second, and third postings.

It happens to too many of us. We tell ourselves false messages about who we are. And it messes with our mental and emotional health, impacts our home life, and weakens our ministry. Scripture is filled with examples of names being changed to provide a new message of a person’s identity. Abraham, Sarah, Israel, Peter and Paul all received new names, and the manner in which they viewed their own lives were transformed. My hope and prayer from this series has been to help you discover tools to own the true message of identity that God has for you.

This post is going to help you a ton in your emotional health, and it is very simple. But it also isn’t going to do you much good unless you’ve done the work from the three previous posts, so make sure you’ve done that first.

Created by Dr. Terry Hargrave, we are going us an exercise called “The Four Steps.” It’s called that because there are only four steps. This exercise will help move you from your pain cycle into your peace cycle. As we go through each step of this exercise, I want you to say these things out loud and get your body involved by taking a physical step (really!). Research shows there is a great benefit when activating as much of your brain as possible change to create personal change. Okay, the steps are:

Step #1 — Say How You Feel

Step #2 — Say How You Typically Cope with that Feeling

Step #3 — Say What is True

Step #4 — Say What You Want to Do in Light of that Truth

So, let’s make a hypothetical to give us an idea of what this could look like:

Step #1: I feel like I don’t measure up, and…

Step #2: I typically cope by getting anxious and withdrawing.

Step #3: But the truth is that I am enough because God created me and celebrates over me,

Step #4: So now I will take three deep breaths, find rest in God’s goodness, and go spend time with friends.

Pull out your work from the previous blog posts and do this exercise three times right now. Take note of how you feel before performing The Four Steps, and how you feel after. Make sure the pain and truth resonate with you and fits. Again, you do not have to be “activated” to practice these steps. But when you are in your pain cycle, these “Four Steps” will help you break out of it and enter into your peace cycle.

Are you interested in working through some of this with your group of high school or young adults? If so, take a look at Communication & Conflict module from the Relationship IQ Curriculum created by the Boone Center for Family at Pepperdine University.

I’d love to hear about how this technique has been helpful and celebrate with you. You don’t have to reveal any details, but feel free to leave a comment or send me an email at [email protected].

Jason Wilkinson lives with his wife and two kids in Portland, Oregon. After 18+ years of leading in various student ministry roles, Jason recently transitioned into the profession of mental health therapy where he runs Wellspace Counseling, a private counseling practice in Tualatin. You can read more about Jason at wellspacepdx.com or contact him at [email protected].